Autobiographical: Grief
I might regret writing this blog later and remove it, but I'm sitting here at a loss on how to handle my grief right now and think writing it down could help. So here it goes.
A man my Mom and I knew, the boyfriend of someone who helps my Mom out, died yesterday. He was an older, deaf man who we knew wasn't doing well health wise. The death was still a bit sudden and unexpected though. From what I was told, he went in his sleep... so I can only hope it was peaceful.
I remember coming home, or waking up, or them coming over and getting to say hi to him. Sometimes on a hot day, he'd come in and wave his hand at his face then wipe his head to tell me it was hot outside. Then he'd ask me how I was, and if it felt hot to me. My Mom and I learned a bit of sign language thanks to him so we could talk to him more. He was always very sweet, funny, and patient when trying to communicate with us. I know he appreciated our efforts.
Someone in my family was also partially deaf growing up, so I know a little bit of the struggles she dealt with. I also have a good friend who is hearing impaired. She didn't even know the extent of her hearing problems until recently, when she could get hearing aids. Its not an easy thing to live with, and people need to be sure to be extra patient and understanding of others.
So yes... I'm sitting here with a swirl of emotions I'm trying to deal with. I didn't expect this death to actually get to me as bad as it is. Then again, I've dealt with a lot of death in my life, so I think each time it happens again in my life... it triggers the emotions from the past too. I'm reminded of my crippling fear of death. I'm reminded of each person in my life I can no longer talk to, see, or touch anymore. I'm reminded how I can wake up any day now and find my Mom dead in the other room due to her poor health and age. I don't handle death well... I know this by now. Emergency situations? No problem... I take action without a second thought and wait to buckle after things are safe again. But death... well, I understand its a weakness to me now. I try so hard to handle it, to be strong like I usually am with other things in life. I try not to cry too much or get it all out at once. I try not to get angry, even though that's futile. I'm not usually an angry person, but when I'm grieving... my patience vanishes, and start getting upset at the fact I'm apologizing to people because I was cold toward them in my grief. I shouldn't have to feel bad about grieving. But when someone I care about is like "yeah you were (insert emotion) but i forgive you, or I'll get over it" it doesn't make me feel better, it makes me feel worse. I don't want to feel worse right now, I want to feel better! Its not my problem if my distance or cold nature right now is hurting you. Don't turn around and make me feel bad for it. If I'm trying to stay at a distance, its because I KNOW I'm being irrational right now and I'm trying to avoid hurting you even worse by saying something I normally wouldn't.
Then I think I'll try to just go offline, stay away from people, and be alone so I don't hurt anyone. Now... I'm lonely, and even more sad. I don't want to be alone, but I also don't want to be made to feel worse either. I understand if someone is trying to help and maybe they just don't know how. That's fine... I'm okay with that. A little awkward is normal in these situations. I am not going to be the one to figure out the right thing to say right now... that's on you. My emotions are likely to make me say all the wrong things instead.
Now I'm thinking of my Dad's death, my Grandparent's deaths, my friend's deaths. It spirals. Its so irrational to be scared of death, because its inevitable. However, each person that disappears from my life is just another reminder that life is short. I haven't done nearly enough of what I want to do in this life before I'm gone... and I am tired of losing people I care about. Its life... its human... but its so depressing.
I'm trying to be strong for my Mom right now too, because she was a lot closer to the man than me. She's taking it very hard. So trying to be strong for her, leaves me to try to lean on someone else. The one person I wanted to lean on wasn't the kind of support I need right now. So here I write. These words will be my therapy to let it all out, and then I'll just face the day as it goes. I'm likely to upset more people if I stay online, but I'm also just not wanting to be alone right now.
So on this Memorial Day... I take a moment in my grief to also remember fallen soldiers. May your loved ones who are grieving your loss today find some peace. May the survivors of service find some peace of mind today as well. A Vet knows all too well grief. Thank you for what you've sacrificed for me and those I love.
A man my Mom and I knew, the boyfriend of someone who helps my Mom out, died yesterday. He was an older, deaf man who we knew wasn't doing well health wise. The death was still a bit sudden and unexpected though. From what I was told, he went in his sleep... so I can only hope it was peaceful.
I remember coming home, or waking up, or them coming over and getting to say hi to him. Sometimes on a hot day, he'd come in and wave his hand at his face then wipe his head to tell me it was hot outside. Then he'd ask me how I was, and if it felt hot to me. My Mom and I learned a bit of sign language thanks to him so we could talk to him more. He was always very sweet, funny, and patient when trying to communicate with us. I know he appreciated our efforts.
Someone in my family was also partially deaf growing up, so I know a little bit of the struggles she dealt with. I also have a good friend who is hearing impaired. She didn't even know the extent of her hearing problems until recently, when she could get hearing aids. Its not an easy thing to live with, and people need to be sure to be extra patient and understanding of others.
So yes... I'm sitting here with a swirl of emotions I'm trying to deal with. I didn't expect this death to actually get to me as bad as it is. Then again, I've dealt with a lot of death in my life, so I think each time it happens again in my life... it triggers the emotions from the past too. I'm reminded of my crippling fear of death. I'm reminded of each person in my life I can no longer talk to, see, or touch anymore. I'm reminded how I can wake up any day now and find my Mom dead in the other room due to her poor health and age. I don't handle death well... I know this by now. Emergency situations? No problem... I take action without a second thought and wait to buckle after things are safe again. But death... well, I understand its a weakness to me now. I try so hard to handle it, to be strong like I usually am with other things in life. I try not to cry too much or get it all out at once. I try not to get angry, even though that's futile. I'm not usually an angry person, but when I'm grieving... my patience vanishes, and start getting upset at the fact I'm apologizing to people because I was cold toward them in my grief. I shouldn't have to feel bad about grieving. But when someone I care about is like "yeah you were (insert emotion) but i forgive you, or I'll get over it" it doesn't make me feel better, it makes me feel worse. I don't want to feel worse right now, I want to feel better! Its not my problem if my distance or cold nature right now is hurting you. Don't turn around and make me feel bad for it. If I'm trying to stay at a distance, its because I KNOW I'm being irrational right now and I'm trying to avoid hurting you even worse by saying something I normally wouldn't.
Then I think I'll try to just go offline, stay away from people, and be alone so I don't hurt anyone. Now... I'm lonely, and even more sad. I don't want to be alone, but I also don't want to be made to feel worse either. I understand if someone is trying to help and maybe they just don't know how. That's fine... I'm okay with that. A little awkward is normal in these situations. I am not going to be the one to figure out the right thing to say right now... that's on you. My emotions are likely to make me say all the wrong things instead.
Now I'm thinking of my Dad's death, my Grandparent's deaths, my friend's deaths. It spirals. Its so irrational to be scared of death, because its inevitable. However, each person that disappears from my life is just another reminder that life is short. I haven't done nearly enough of what I want to do in this life before I'm gone... and I am tired of losing people I care about. Its life... its human... but its so depressing.
I'm trying to be strong for my Mom right now too, because she was a lot closer to the man than me. She's taking it very hard. So trying to be strong for her, leaves me to try to lean on someone else. The one person I wanted to lean on wasn't the kind of support I need right now. So here I write. These words will be my therapy to let it all out, and then I'll just face the day as it goes. I'm likely to upset more people if I stay online, but I'm also just not wanting to be alone right now.
So on this Memorial Day... I take a moment in my grief to also remember fallen soldiers. May your loved ones who are grieving your loss today find some peace. May the survivors of service find some peace of mind today as well. A Vet knows all too well grief. Thank you for what you've sacrificed for me and those I love.
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