Autobiographical: Complicated Love (Mature Content Warning)

In honor of Valentines Day, I would like to share my journey to reach the point I am at now with my love life. It has been a long one, a painful one, and one that ends with hope for the future again. Please enjoy.

*Warning: This blog will contain graphic details and sensitive material that could trigger some readers. Please continue on with caution.

Let me begin by sharing a little bit about myself for those that do not know me personally. I was born in California, and moved several times before settling where I am now. From birth, I encountered trouble. My mother was 36 when she had me, with only one ovary that was 50% working. Thus... I probably should never have been born. The fact I exist considering the odds is crazy, and I remind myself of that constantly. 

My siblings are twenty years older than me and I did not grow up with them. I am estranged with my sister, but I still have a connection with my brother, even if it is a little strained to where we talk once a month at most. I got to see my father once a year, which was a time I always cherished for now rare it was. He died when I was 16 of liver failure... too much drinking, and I suspect he'd also given up on life after losing the two women he cared about most in his life that year. The last thing he'd said to me on the phone before he died was this: "Why don't you call me more often? Don't you love me anymore?" Those words have forever haunted me, and while as an adult I know that he loved me and knew I loved him... I still regret that being our last conversation. I wish so much that I'd been able to tell him how much I loved him before he died. At that age though, life was very complicated and I was... well, a bit broken.

The only family I had in my life consistently was my mother... and until only a few years ago, that was a very harsh and toxic relationship. From a very young age, her and I had troubles. She smoked and drank a lot, and often. Until recently, we had many many fights... with harsh words and sometimes my head in a wall. However, she was also a single mother, estranged from our family and unable to get much help raising me. She tried her best, and I respect that she protected me and got me to a stable point in my life to be able to help look after myself. We were homeless a few times, hungry, cold, scared. 

There was also a point where my mother tried to date again, only to face yet another abusive man she had to remove from our life. Her love life was more complicated than mine... with lots of abuse, and tragedy. In my whole life, she only tried to date that once, and it turned out bad. She's been single since. My mother is a fighter... strong, stubborn, and feisty. She survived cancer, polio, war, domestic abuse... if I can be a fraction as strong as she is, then I know I can face everything this life throws at me.

So from a young age, I've faced many situations that I had to emotionally overcome and survive. Sadly, my love life started badly. The very first boy I dated was a sweet guy, who liked me despite my gothic makeup and nerdy persona. Unfortunately while dating him, I ended up a victim of molestation by his father. I was twelve... my boyfriend was taking a shower, and I was trying to take a nap on their couch while I waited for him. That was when his father took advantage of the situation. I don't wish to give the details of what happened in this blog. However, its important to share this so you know what my very first "sexual" experience in life ended up being. This one abuse would cause me complications the rest of my life.

As a teenager, I dabbled in a few different relationships. Each one had its own share of complications, mostly due to my own emotional struggles... but not all the issues were on me. In one relationship, I neglected the guy who liked me to the point that he gave up trying. In another, the guy broke up with me a few times for reasons such as religion or going off to serve. This guy also cheated on me and tried to say a hickey on his neck under a band-aid was a cat scratch... heh. I laugh at that memory now though. I dated a girl briefly who I also shared a three-way relationship with. Another relationship was actually with the son of the man my Mom tried to date. Obviously, that one also didn't work out in the end. At this time in my life I was desperate for love, and rarely single. I felt alone, even when people were around me, and struggled with deep depression.

The final relationship in my teens was when I was sixteen. This was the boy I gave my virginity to. He was one of those "bad boys" who tried to act tough around others, but then let me see the soft core he protected deep down. I loved him with everything I had... and because of this, our relationship ended very badly. Despite being "softer" with me than others, he ended up getting himself into a lot of troubles I was oblivious to until it was too late. He had moved in with my Mom and I temporarily because his Dad took off on him. One night, when Mom was drinking, she and him got into an argument. It was loud and heated, and ended up with him threatening to leave... for good. I was drinking due to the stress... stupid, and downing Vodka. I was a kid, and a stupid one at that. He took off... I crawled out the window and followed him, drunk. Finally when downtown, he stopped and confronted me about following him. I begged him to stay, confessed my love to him... anything to try to get through to him. It was then that he pulled up his shirt and showed me a gun on his waist. He apparently was part of some gang activity I never learned more about. He looked me in the eyes and told me he never loved me, and belittled by personality to break me. I later realized this was his way to try to make me hate him and leave so I didn't get hurt... but at that moment, all it did was shatter me on the inside. Then he left. He left me in an ally on the ground in a mess of tears, drunk and broken hearted. I was alone.

It was dusk. I started wandering... walking into the back streets where I hadn't been before. Looking back on it, I think I was trying to get lost. That was a coping mechanism I had when I'd run away from Mom during our fights to get away. I walked... and walked some more. Then... I was attacked. A man came from behind, one who had probably been watching me stumble along the streets drunk. He had a gun, pressed to the back of my head... and then I was raped. I never saw the man's face, as mine was in the dirt with the gun to my head. That man walked away and got away with his crime, because there was nothing I could do against him. I'm lucky he didn't kill me... which I think was only because I hadn't seen his face.

So once again, I was a victim of sexual abuse. I didn't tell anyone what happened for a few days... ashamed, confused, broken. The police were also no help, and even made the situation worse to the point I never even filed the incident. I was accused of lying and seeking attention, because there was no proof of what happened. Regardless, being a victim of rape haunts me to this very day, and made my love life all the more difficult.

As I said in the title... complicated. Losing my father at a young age, sexual assault, poor relations with my family, and an almost successful suicide attempt... its a wonder that I could even have a functional relationship again. However... I did.

The last relationship I was in before my current one, lasted seven years. This man tried to get me to date him for five whole years before I finally gave in and said yes. I thought that this would be my 'forever' love finally. He and I faced many hard situations... deaths of friends and family, a failed business, going hungry, illness and injuries, the gain and loss of our own place, and more. We were best friends though, and could face it all together. We supported one another through it all, and had a very strong relationship. So why did it end? Well, our sex life was complicated... partly because of my insecurities and past, partly because of physical complications. We started to have more frequent arguments stemmed from frustration, and all the stresses of life weighing us down. I had been his only sexual partner as well... and we had conversations ranging from possible 'swinging' to me just telling him to go sleep with someone else and get it over with. I just wanted him to get past this "issue" he was facing so we could move on with our lives and be happy again. Unfortunately, we finally talked it out and decided it was best to take a break. He was going to go pursue a single life, to mingle with more women and have more time with friends and partying. I was going to spend the time apart to finally start focusing on myself... something I very rarely did. In time, we both came to realize that we weren't going to get back together. While we did love one another... we had grown too separate in what we wanted in life and knew that we were just holding each other back from the potential to grow by being together. Thus... we broke up for good. 

This ended up being a lot harder on me than I realized at first. Initially, I thought I would be okay with it and him leaving me. I tried a few times to get back together with him... and we "hooked up" on occasion too, which didn't really help matters. I kept getting denied though, and watched him start to be with other women. It was killing me inside, wondering how a seven year relationship could go bad. I blamed myself mostly... why couldn't I be like normal girls, and give him a better sex life? Why couldn't I just accept his need to explore life and be with other women? Why hadn't I fought harder to keep him in my life? Why... why... why. I grew more bitter in the next few years, and even started to hate the concept of love. I declared to myself that I would never love again, because it wasn't worth it and only lead to pain.

Then a friend, whom I'd not talked to all that often, started to communicate with me more. Years after the break up, I found myself laughing and smiling again when talking to this man. He was a big flirt... and joked about dating me off and on (which I later learned was more hints than jokes.) I was being stubborn of course and kept denying his advances and explaining I had no interest in ever dating again. Determined though, this man kept nursing my broken heart even only in friendship by making me laugh and keeping me company when I was sad.

This man is now the one I love, and hope to live the rest of my life with. I surrendered to his will, and allowed him to gather up the pieces of my shattered heart to start piecing it back together so he could protect it. Yes... this man is online. A long distance relationship. Some scoff at the notion, think that its fake and there is no way two people could love each other in this manner. To that I say... you're wrong. Every single day, I wake up and look forward to talking to him, to laugh with him, to comfort him when he's sad or be comforted when I'm sad. He makes sure I am never lonely. If I ask something of him... he does it without question. I am his first priority, and he does everything he can to make me happy. Its not something I was used to. I actually found him a bit smothering even at first in the relationship, because I was used to having my alone time which I no longer got to have. I grew to love it though, and he also learned to give me a little time to myself when its needed. I intend to move up to Canada to be with him this year, after (if everything goes right) he visits me here to meet my mother and friends. I long for that day... and look forward to starting a new life with him, a man who supports me 100% in everything I do and encourages me to do what I love. Normally, I am the one who takes care of everyone else and never taking care of myself. Now I have him, and don't have to worry about facing everything alone anymore.

So there you have it. My complicated love life, that continues to this day to be complicated. Yet... I have a happy ending, for now. A part of me will always fear the worst will come, since I've faced so much tragedy already in life. But I'm stronger for it, and as of now... I give my full trust to the man who now guards and mends my heart. I hope that by reading this, you can take away with you hope. Hope that no matter how hard life gets, no matter how much you face and think that life is not worth fighting for anymore... that there is someone out there who will love you. Perhaps they already do, and you just don't know it yet. Everyone deserves love, regardless of their past. You, deserve love.